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Home >>> Meditations >>> Grief
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Coping with Grief
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Grief
The process of recovery is, in part, a grief process. As we recover, we grieve the losses and traumas of the past. And we grieve the destruction which our addictions and compulsions have created in our lives and in the lives of others.
As we move out of denial, we begin to feel intense emotions. We feel sad. We feel mad. We long for things to have been different. We wish it wasn't so much work to heal and change and grow. These intense emotions are all part of the grief work of recovery.
To grieve is to face reality. We face the reality of our losses and, with the support of others, we allow ourselves to feel the pain of that reality. We talk and cry about our losses because doing that allows us to feel and to know what happened to us. It allows us to integrate our losses into our understanding of ourselves, of life and of God. Grief allows us bit by bit to move through the pain into new freedom and peace.
As we will see in these meditations, grief is work which is blessed by God. It is work with which Jesus was well acquainted. It is work which the Bible says draws God close to us as he seeks to provide us with comfort, protection and strength.
May God grant you the comfort, protection and strength you need as you grieve today.
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The Experience of Grief
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Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord;O Lord, hear my voice. Let you ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.Psalms 130:1-2
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Grief is often experienced as being 'in the depths'. Sometimes it feels like we have been swallowed up by grief. Our bodies ache. Our minds can't focus. Our hearts feel like they will break.
Our cry for help during times of grief may seem desperate and feeble. We want to believe that God hears us. We want to believe that he is attentive to our pain. But we feel uncertain.
One of the most difficult experiences during seasons of grief is feeling as if our crys for help fall on deaf ears. Like the psalmist we find ourselves pleading with God to pay attention. God, who may have seemed so present and attentive when our pain was less intense, can seem strangely absent just when we need him most. When we are most in the most pain, we are often least able to experience God's loving presence.
This subjective experience of God's inattentiveness can be terrifying. But it can also be the starting point for growing a deeper and more meaningful faith. A faith that has found the courage to honestly face these experiences of God's absence will be a transformed faith. A faith that has survived a season of grief will have experienced the realities of spiritual life at a much deeper level. From experiences of this kind we can learn to give up simplistic spiritualities. We can learn to pray with more honesty and integrity.
Can you see me, God?
Can you hear me?
Listen!
Pay attention!
I am calling to you for help.
I am overwhelmed with sorrow.
Have mercy on me.
Hear my cry for help.
Amen.
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The Rejection of Comfort
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A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more.Matthew 2:18
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There are times when there is no consolation for grief. There is no comfort. In these times we feel that those who try to comfort us do not understanding the vastness of our pain. All we know, all we see, is the terrible loss we have suffered. The world feels as if it should stop. Nothing matters but our loss.
We weep and rage and long for the return of what we have lost.
This happened to many of the families living in Bethlehem at the time of Jesus' birth. In hopes of killing the Messiah, Herod ordered that the oldest male child under two years old in that town be put to death. It was into this world of violence and terror that Jesus was born. The Christmas story is not a fairy tale with happy endings, but a story about real life and terrible loss.
There are times in our lives for weeping without comfort, for weeping with anguish and rage. God has come before into times like this. He comes as well into our times of anguish and rage. Because God comes there will eventually be a time to be comforted. And a time to heal. And a time to go on.
But there is a time to weep. It cannot be rushed, or bypassed. There is a time for weeping.
God, hold me when I weep,
when I refuse comfort,
when I cannot see beyond this pain.
Give me courage to grieve deeply, Lord.
Help me to tolerate the silence,
as I wait for you to speak.
Help me to survive the loneliness
as I await your coming.
Help me to grieve in ways
that draw me closer to you.
Amen.
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The God Who Grieves
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He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.Isaiah 53:3
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Many people have the impression that good Christians are happy, joyful, victorious people. In this fantasy, good Christians are people whose problems seem to vanish when they trust God and pray about it. Unaffected by the pain of life, these relentlessly cheerful people read the Bible, sing praise songs and feel no pain.
Yet Christians are at heart the followers of a man who was named 'man of sorrows.' Jesus was not relentlessly cheerful. He did not practice a mood altering, pain-numbing religion. He grieved. He wept. He was familiar with suffering. Our God is a God who knows suffering. He is a God who grieves.
In those times when we shame ourselves for our sorrow, it can be an enormous encouragement to remember that God is personally familiar with grief. If God grieves, we can expect to do the same.
God, you surprise me again!
When I grieve, I think that if I could just cheer up,
you would be pleased.
But, you grieve also.
Man of Sorrows you are acquainted with sorrow.
Thank you for understanding.
Thank you for grieving.
Help me to experience your presence in my time of grief.
Amen.
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The God Who Stays Close
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The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.Psalm 34:18
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Many people are convinced that when they are brokenhearted, when they grieve deeply over their losses, that God is displeased. God is sometimes seen as a person who expects us to be happy even in the face of trauma and loss. He is someone who asks us to 'snap out of it' and 'cheer up'. As a result, we anticipate rejection rather than compassion.
How surprising it is to hear that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted! He does not expect cheerfulness. He does not reject us. He is compassionate and responsive. He is close - not far away.
In dysfunctional families difficult emotions often result in withdrawal and isolation. It is this kind of emotional distance that we now expect from God. It is not always easy to trust God to be close to us when we are brokenhearted. And it is not always easy to allow ourselves the vulnerability of such closeness. But God is eager to heal us, to restore us and to save us when our spirits are crushed.
When I was angry, Lord,
I was sent to my room.
"Don't come out until you have a smile on your face!"
When I was sad, Lord
I was told to cheer up.
"Just snap out of it!"
Now I expect to be abandoned, Lord.
I expect to be left alone with my pain.
I expect to be lonely in my brokenness.
When I am broken hearted,
When I am crushed in spirit,
Help me to rest in your promise to be close.
Help me to rest in your promise to save.
Amen.
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The God Who Gives Strength
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He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.Isaiah 40:29
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Grief is exhausting. Physically we are fatigued. Mentally we are spent. Emotionally we are drained. Spiritually we are crushed. Weariness seems to cast a shadow over all of life. We drag through the days. We are without strength and without power.
Our bodies need to be refreshed with sleep and recreation. Our minds need to be stimulated with hopeful thoughts about our future. Our hearts need to be soothed. Our spirits need to be infused with a desire to engage in life again.
God comes to us in the weariness and weakness of grief with gifts of strength and power. He does not shame us for our weakness. He does not reject us for being too weary to function. We may be tempted to refuse God's gifts either because we want to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps, or because we don't believe we are entitled to receive good gifts. But, nevertheless, God offers us good gifts in seasons of grief. He offers strength and power. When we can admit our need and are ready to be honored by the Giver of these gifts, they can be ours.
I am weary, Lord.
Sometimes I think I am suppose to stay weary.
I do not feel entitled to be strong.
And sometimes I want to manage without your help.
I don't feel that I deserve help.
Thank you for your offer of strength and power.
Give me strength today.
Give me the power I need to make it through this day.
Give me the grace to accept your gifts.
Strengthen and empower me as I grieve today.
Amen.
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The God Who Blesses Those Who Grieve
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Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4
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Jesus pronounced a blessing on people who are courageous enough to grieve. Nothing could be more surprising than this. When we grieve, we often feel like spiritual failures. But God sees things differently. From God's perspective, mourning is valued. It is an occasion for blessing. It comes with the opportunity for comfort.
To be comforted is to be held in the safety of arms you trust. To be comforted is to weep and rage in the company of someone who loves us. The hard edges of the pain are soothed. Strength and hope return in some measure. Healing begins.
Grieving is a commitment to the hard work of facing reality and allowing ourselves to feel the full range of emotions God has given us. It is painful work. But it is work that is blessed by God.
Father of comfort,
you are my refuge and strength,
my help in times of trouble.
Were it not for your faithfulness,
I would hide from my pain.
I would choose not to see my losses.
I would not be able to face what has happened.
Man of sorrow, teach me to grieve.
Give me the courage to mourn
so that I can be comforted.
Amen.
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The God Who is Greater Than My Loss
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Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:17-18
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Sometimes it feels like life is the experience of loss upon loss. There are times when losses are all we can see. We are like this farmer taking inventory. The figs, the grapes, the olive crop, and the wheat are all lost. The sheep and the cattle are gone. There is nothing left, and nothing to hope for. In times like this we are in danger of believing that fear and sorrow are our only companions.
If the inventory of our lives stopped here, then all would be lost. We would be without hope. But there is more to the story of our lives than our inventory of losses can ever show. We can return again to the hope that God is bigger than all of the losses of life. No matter how long our inventory of losses may be, we can find in God a peace and hope that reshapes our struggle. The losses do not magically disappear. But, when we turn our hearts toward God, we know again that there is more to our life story than losses. We do not want the bottom line of our life's story to read "this was a person who experienced many losses". As each day we turn my hearts again to God, we are writing a life story that will end with "though the losses were painful, this was a person who found deep joy in God's love."
Lord, my losses are many.
Help me not to pretend about them.
Help me to grieve, Lord.
But help me as well to turn my heart toward you.
Even as I grieve,
help me to find
joy in you.
Amen.
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