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Home >>> Meditations >>> Fellowship in Recovery
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Fellowship in Recovery
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Fellowship in Recovery
Many of us learn early in life to survive by trying to be self-sufficient. We struggle to be the kind of people who do not need help from others. This kind of toxic individualism has profound consequences for our lives.It causes us to face fears and griefs alone. We try to fight addictions and compulsions by ourselves. We try to be strong. We pretend we are in control.
Unfortunately, this kind of denial of reality is encouraged in our society and honored with misleading names such as "self-reliance." In the Christian community this same kind of toxic individualism is encouraged in many ways. There is no more isolated or individualistic kind of life than one based on the belief that "all I need in life is Jesus." This may sound life basic Christian truth, but it is not. Jesus did not teach toxic individualism. Scripture makes it clear that we were not designed to live isolated, self-sufficient lives. We are, rather, created to be interdependent. We need each other. We can contribute deeply and meaningfully to each other's lives.
The burdens of toxic individualism are heavy. Most of us eventually find that we can't sustain the pretense any longer. The unavoidable realities of life force us to realize that we need help. We need to admit to someone else that we are out of control and desperately lonely. Much to our surprise, we find that this moment of painful but honest self-knowledge can be the starting point for a life of recovery.
One of the basic strengths of the recovery movement is its acknowledgement of our need for interdependence. Recovery from past wounds or from present addictions does not happen in isolation. Recovery takes place in community. It happens in fellowship with others. Fellowship gives opportunity to practice self-awareness, honesty, respectful listening, constructive conflict and making amends. It allows us to come to a place where we can accept our need of others and their need of us. It offers the joy that can come from knowing and loving each other as people of dignity and worth.
May your find fellowship in your recovery.
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Fellowship and Self-awareness
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If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.
John 8:7
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It is easy to judge other people. Judgmentalism and blame come naturally to us. Other people's faults and failures are not difficult to identify. Many of us can remember a time in our lives when throwing the first stone was not just easy - it was what we thought good Christians were supposed to do.
One of the most dramatic changes which takes place early in the recovery process is an increase in self-awareness. We begin to see patterns in our own lives that need changing. We see our own self destructive tendencies. We see how we have brought pain to others. As these insights dawn on us, we begin to lay down our stones.
Of course, as our self-awareness increases, many of us attempt to refocus the blame and judgmentalism from others onto ourselves. We can blame and judge ourselves as ruthlessly as we may once have blamed and judged others. But it's not really progress in recovery to give up throwing stones. . . and then start banging our heads against a stone wall.
Judgmentalism and blame are not helpful in recovery. What makes recovery possible is when increased self-awareness leads to an increased capacity to experience forgiveness. Gradually we learn to accept forgiveness from God and others. We receive mercy. As a result, we begin to treat ourselves and others with mercy.
It is increased self-awareness and the humility which self-awareness makes possible that are the soil in which true community can grow. When we accept ourselves as humans even though we struggle and sometimes fail, we can become far more gentle with ourselves and with others.
Lord, you know how quick I have been to throw stones.
Thank you for the self awareness that has allowed me to see more clearly that
I am not without sin.
I understand that I am in need of forgiveness.
Give me the courage to accept your forgiveness and mercy.
And in this way begin to live in true community.
Amen.
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Listening
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Listen carefully to my words, let this be the consolation you give me.
Job 21:1
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Listening should be easy. But it is not. At a minimum, listening means that we have to be quiet. We cannot listen when we are talking. Not talking is the hard part. There are many reasons for this. We prefer talking over listening because it gives us a sense of control. We can control the silences between words by choosing when to talk. Since silences of even a few seconds can cause our anxiety to increase, we fill the silence with words even when we really have nothing to say.
It is a remarkable experience to have someone really listen -- to have someone's undivided attention and interest. When someone listens, they communicate to us on a very deep level that we are valuable. Their listening breaks our isolation and aloneness. And it decreases the fears which come when our thoughts and feelings are confused. Talking out loud in the presence of a person who listens carefully allows us to gain clarity and perspective. Gradually, being listened to can begin to convince us that we are worth someone's attention and worth being loved.
When someone listens with respect and acceptance we are comforted and consoled. Our pain is soothed. Our burden is lightened.
Thank you, Lord, for those who listen to me.
And thank you for the people who
trust me enough to allow me to listen to them.
Give me the courage to talk honestly.
Give me the grace to listen well.
Amen.
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Responding Constructively to Anger
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In your anger, do not sin.
Ephesians 4:26
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Living in relationship with other people means that we will experience seasons of anger. Anger is a normal human emotion. It is an unavoidable ingredient of any fellowship.
Unfortunately, for most of us, anger is a problem. We know that anger can lead to destructive behaviors. Some of us have been on the receiving end of verbal and physical attacks from an angry person. And some of us have lashed out at others with our anger. So we fear anger because we have seen the destruction which results when anger leads to sin. We have seen how anger can damage relationships and lead to loneliness.
But anger does not have to be destructive. We can be angry without harming others. Anger can, in fact, be a constructive force in our lives. Anger alerts us to the fact that something is not right. As a result, anger can protect us and energize us to take constructive action.
The fellowship we need in recovery cannot always be conflict-free fellowship. There will be times of anger. And that can be a good thing.
I am afraid of anger, Lord.
But I know it can't be avoided.
Help me to acknowledge my anger
rather than hide from it.
Help me to use it in ways that are not destructive.
Let it energize me to risk and change and grow.
Help me to learn to live constructively with my anger.
Amen.
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Making Amends
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Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
Matthew 5:23-24
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The process of recovery increases our awareness of the ways we have hurt other people. For many of us this realization leads almost instantly to shame. And shame leads almost immediately to increasingly desperate attempts to be perfect in order to mask the feeling that we are fundamentally flawed. The downward cycle of failure-shame-trying harder-failure will gradually immobilize us as our self-contempt and depression increase.
In this text Jesus invites us to give up on trying harder. He suggests a completely different and very practical way of dealing with failure. Notice that Jesus assumes that living in community will lead to the need for making amends. The assumption is that we will not be perfect. We can expect to fail from time to time. Failure need not lead to shame or perfectionism because failure is normal. We all experience it. Accepting this basic reality is the first step in the process toward a healthy response to failure.
Jesus suggests that awareness of our failure doesn't have to lead to trying harder. It can lead to honesty and making amends. We are to speak directly about the problem, ask for forgiveness, make amends as appropriate, and be reconciled if possible.
I fail, Lord.
And then I am ashamed of my failure.
And then I work twice as hard not to fail.
And then I fail again. Lord.
And then I become even more ashamed of my failure.
And then I work ten times as hard not to fail.
And then I fail again.
Help!
Free me from the cycle of failure-shame-perfectionism.
Help me to practice the disciplines you have suggested.
Give me the courage to ask forgiveness and to make amends.
Amen.
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Accepting Interdependence
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Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.
Proverbs 15:22
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A friend recently said, "The day my mother told me to lie about Dad's abusive behavior is the day I decided once and for all that no one will ever take care of me but me."
Many of us made decisions like this early in life. For one reason or another we reached the conclusion that it was not safe to need others. One of the longest-lasting effects of abuse and neglect is this kind of ruthless independence.
Unfortunately, because we may not have experienced appropriate care, we have not learned how to do a good job of taking care of ourselves. We are harsh with ourselves. And we have huge blind spots. We keep falling into the same ruts and traps.
The toxic individualism that comes from abuse and neglect is an illusion. We are needy. We need others to help us and support us. We cannot live whole, healthy lives in isolation. We need other people. We need their counsel and their honest feedback. Success is more likely when we work interdependently. We need love and acceptance. We need listening ears. We need to be held accountable. We need encouragement and support from other people. And others need all these things from us as well.
It may seem like a risk to allow ourselves to need anything from anyone. But it is a risk worth taking again and again and again. It is appropriate to be cautious and wise about the risks we take in relationships. But risks cannot be avoided. Mutual relationships of love and care are the basis for all real joy in life. They are worth the struggle and hard work.
Lord, you know the fear I experience
when I allow myself to receive good things from other people.
You know how hard it is for me to let myself need people.
And you know I struggle to believe I have anything to give to others.
So interdependence is difficult.
Help me, Lord, to give and to receive.
Give me the courage to risk love.
Amen.
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Loving Each Other
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If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. I Corinthians 13:3
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We need to experience loving relationships in order to heal and grow. In loving relationships we experience the safety that allows us to face the truth. In loving relationships we experience the support we need to begin to change. And in loving relationships we learn that we are lovable and valuable.
Because we have been wounded in relationships, our instinct is often to run from relationships. We don't want to be hurt again. This leaves an enormous void in our souls. And it is this void which we desperately try to fill with addictions and compulsions of various kinds. This text focuses on two manifestations of religious addiction (compulsive altruism and religiously motivated self-abuse) and sums up the result: I gain nothing. The same could be said of all of our addictions. "I deliver my body to be burned" and "I gain nothing" are an accurate description not only of a particular kind of religious addiction but also of chemical addiction, work addiction, sexual addiction and relationship addiction, as well as many self-abusive compulsions.
We gain nothing for all the time and effort we spend on trying to numb the pain. It does not achieve the desired result. The void remains.
Although loving fellowship may be frightening for us, it is the path to recovery. The vulnerabilities of intimacy may remind us of earlier times of terror in life, but there is no way to recover in isolation. The net result of compulsions and addictions is "I gain nothing." But the net result of recovery is very different. There is something to be gained by all the hard work that recovery requires. Recovery builds in us a capacity to receive love and a capacity to give love to others. And that is a real gain.
May God grant you the courage you need today to pursue loving fellowship.
Lord, you see my guarded heart.
You see my fears that make me run from love.
What I fear is what I want most.
I want to love and to be loved.
Give me courage to open my heart to love today.
Amen.
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