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Yo-Yo, Fat and Thin
I was born fat. Most of the other women in my family — my mother,
my sisters and my cousins—are thin and beautiful. When I was in
the seventh grade, though, I grew five inches and became thin. For
the first time in my life, I felt acceptable and could wear cute clothes.
From high school through my
30s, my weight was a constant focus,
but it was up and down like a yo-yo.
At times, I starved myself and
exercised a lot so I could be as thin
as possible. But after a while, I gave
up on being thin and gained weight.
When I couldn’t stand to look in the
mirror at how fat I was, I went back
to starving myself. This cycle
happened over and over again.
I got married right out of high
school, and we had two children.
Our marriage lasted until I was 31. I
remarried three years later to a man
who is the love of my life.
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For the
first six years, though, our
relationship was pretty rocky
because he was an alcoholic. Then
he started going to AA. The Twelve
Steps really helped him, and one day
he suggested that I might benefit
from recovery.
With his encouragement, I went
to my first Overeaters Anonymous
meeting, but I hated it. I told my
husband that OA wasn’t for me, but
he wasn’t willing to give up. He
suggested that I go to a different OA
meeting. I did and I loved those
people and instantly felt at home
there. It was amazing to hear other
women say things that had been in
my head for years. I thought, “Oh
my gosh, somebody else feels and
thinks the way I do. I thought I was
the only one!” For years, I had tried
to talk to co-workers and friends
about my eating problems, but they
didn’t understand, which left me
feeling even more alone. But in this
OA group, these ladies instantly
understood. I learned to concentrate
on why I eat instead of what I eat.
I’ve learned to monitor myself to
determine if I’m eating because I’m
really hungry or if I’m eating
because I’m upset, lonely or bored—
and using food to comfort myself.
My plan now is “3-0-1,” three meals
a day, nothing in between meals and
one day at a time. That works for me.
Since most of the other women in
my family were thin, I believed being
fat was unacceptable. Controlling
my weight was a way to become thin
and acceptable, but food was also a
source of comfort. Those powerful
forces led me to use food as a tool to
either starve myself to become thin
or comfort myself by eating a lot.
Sadly, though, much of my
perception was only in my mind.
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Not long ago, I saw an old photo of a
very thin stick person, and I asked,
“Who is that?” My friends said,
“That’s you!” That picture was taken
during a time I had lost a lot of
weight but thought I was still too
heavy. She told me, “We were really
worried about you because you were
so thin.” I was anorexic, but I didn’t
even know it.
God has always been a part of my
life. The Twelve Steps help me apply
God’s truth. For example, I was
always taught that when there’s
conflict, I should go back and make
things right. That’s one of the main
points of the Twelve Steps, so they
reinforce what I’ve been taught
about God.
I’m so thankful that my
husband—my very best friend—got
into recovery and encouraged me to
get into recovery, too. He has been
so supportive. We all need
somebody to help us take steps. For
me, that person just happens to be
my husband.
—Peggy
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