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Out of Baby Shoes
I came into recovery with an
addiction to cocaine, but I
quickly realized that I also had a
problem with alcohol. If I stopped
cocaine but kept drinking, I’d
eventually go back to cocaine. I
knew I had to stop using mindaltering
substances altogether.
Five years into the program, my
life hit bottom when the man I was
seeing left me. I was devastated. As I
talked to my sponsor, I saw a clear
pattern in my life: I had to be in a
relationship with a man to feel good
about myself. That, I learned, is
codependence. Without a man, I
had no idea who I was. I felt lost,
with very poor self-esteem. I was
addicted to men. It wasn’t the sex—it
was that they met my needs and made
me feel alive. Without them, I was
unstable, but with them, I felt
confident. When these relationships
changed or ended, I fell apart.
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One of the most important things I
realized in recovery was that my
thinking controlled my behavior.
When I believed I wasn’t good
enough, I would cling to men so they
could make me feel good about
myself. Actually, it was harder for me
to recover from codependence than
from my cocaine addiction because
my need to be connected to men was
at the core of my soul. It defined
me. Without relationships with
men, I felt insignificant, insecure
and lost. I couldn’t stand feeling
that way, so I quickly looked for
another man to fill the hole in my
heart. Men, you could say, were
my drug of choice.
Recovery has been a wonderful
process of learning to recognize
my God-given self-worth. I’ve
learned to accept his love for me,
and his love has made me more
secure. I’ve learned so much by
going to women’s support groups
and codependence groups. Just
sharing my story with people who
understand has meant a lot to me
and helped me grow. Many
women struggle with the same
problem of not feeling whole if
they don’t have a man. My goal is
to be OK in or out of a relationship
with a man.
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I stayed out of relationships with
men for about two years, and then
my sponsor suggested that I test
myself by dating again. She told
me, “You’ll never know how far
you’ve come until you’re in a
relationship again.” I waited a
while, but eventually I started
dating a guy. I realized that I’d
made progress, and old, bad
habits had changed. Change felt
good. Once you’re out of your
baby shoes, they don’t fit any
more.
Today, I have a wonderful
relationship with God and with
people who are following him. I
know that if God brings a man
into my life, it’s only to enhance
my life, not consume it. And I
know that if a man leaves me, I
may be hurt, but I won’t be
devastated again. That’s real
progress.
—Margo
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